A portion of a series entitled “Conversations with my Heart.”
Me: “Sometimes I wonder why you have to feel so much. I mean don’t you understand that when you let yourself feel, it’s not always going to be good? People won’t always take care of you like they should and you won’t always get the treatment you should and sometimes people will just suck….why feel?”
My Heart: “I’ve learned that if you don’t let yourself feel the bad, the ugly and the hard then you also short yourself the rewarding feelings as well….like the ones of massive impact, deep friendships or love.”
Me: “But you get that logically speaking that’s a really stupid decision at times right? People are mean. And a lot of people just don’t care. Why feel then?”
My Heart: “I do but I also have found that when you let yourself feel, you also help yourself see. I have no idea how these two are connected because it defies everything I learned about my five senses in preschool. But when I let myself feel, I can start to see the hearts behind the hurt they are causing.”
Me: “Sounds like an exhausting savior complex if you ask me.”
My Heart: “I think the best way I’ve ever heard it put was that my caring is at slut level. No joke, someone close to me told me that and I really couldn’t think of a better way to describe it. It’s very accurate. I just can’t, not, care. Most people have sooooooo much potential inside them, they just need someone to see behind the hurt, behind their actions….they need someone to tell them its safe to let go of the mask.”
Me: “Does everyone take off the mask?”
My Heart: “Absolutely not. Some people like to hide. It’s comfortable. They know the world they’ve created, it’s their “safe-world” and to believe they are bigger then themselves would cause them to go outside that world. They don’t want to do that, their world has been sculpted and carved into something they can predict. It’s a safe haven. And honestly, I don’t blame them for wanting to stay there.”
Me: “Did you ever have a safe-world?”
My Heart: “I did. I’d have to think on when and where… I think I built mine in a war zone. ‘Safe-worlds’ are interesting to me because they are such a representation of each person. My ‘safe-world’ was a war-zone. Where I was thriving, constantly the victor, but I was also the only warrior. No one was beside me, no one was before me. No one. I fought everything alone. Yea, that’s definitely mine….My ‘safe-world’ was me, alone. I knew what I would do, I knew what I wanted, I was predictable. I didn’t want to rely on others and I didn’t want others to fight for me, because I didn’t want to be indebted to anyone either. Alone was better.”
Me: “How did you break free of your ‘safe-world’ and into a world where you wanted more, and let yourself thrive?”
My Heart: “I’m not so sure we ever break out of our ‘safe-worlds’ alone. I think it’s always a two-person ordeal. Someone has to be outside of you, they have to be able to touch you, care for you, reach you…and you have to trust them. You have to trust their eyes, their judgement, their love… You have to be able to look at them and say, ‘Alright, I don’t know what’s out there but I know that if you’re telling me it’s greater then what I’ve created, then I’m gonna risk it’.”
Me: “So who broke you free of yours?”
My Heart: “Mine? Hmmm….. it was a process and still is, but for me it was to this day one of my greatest friends. She kinda just had this way of reminding me that what I had created has my ‘safe-world’ was a place that was super intense but it was ok. That as I let me become more me she would still be there. That my intensity wouldn’t scare her. And naturally this enabled me to become even more me which was more intense, driven and motivated…. I guess you could say her belief in what I thought would scare her is exactly realize victory didn’t have to be a solo battle.”
Me: “What happens when they fail?”
My Heart: “People who break trust when you are coming out of your ‘safe-world’ in my mind do some of the worst damage to a heart. One person can literally shatter the believe of another’s heart to think they are worth more, could find fulfillment or ever see their dreams become reality. One person screwing it up can do so much damage.
People like this…. these people who have been put through so much pain, the ones that have been shut down, the ones that have been hurt…..these hearts. That’s where heroes are hidden.
The heroes in hiding, that’s the reason why I feel so much. Because when you let yourself feel their hearts, you’ll see it. Greatness can’t hide forever…sometimes heroes just need reminding that others DO see them. Calling out greatness, you can’t do that if you don’t feel, because feeling is sight. I feel because it helps me see, it helps me see heroes and unearth them.”
Me: “If you could tell people one thing about feeling what would it be?”
My Heart: “I guess I would say to first decide if it’s good for you. No I don’t mean does it feel good, is it good FOR you? If it’s grief, feel it. If it’s love, feel it. If it’s depth, feel it. Then look at what you are able to see when you feel. Remember feeling enables sight. Is this keeping you inside your ‘safe-world’ or pushing you outside of you? Level up. It’s ok.”
…To be continued.