Category Archives: Deep

“I always thought I was too much, but your box was just too small.” -My Heart.

So here’s to taking a short interval in the writing of the Superhero Chronicles to share my heart… I’ve got my coffee, let’s get real.

I have always been a hugely passionate person. Regardless what it was if I was all in consider it done because I would stop at nothing short of achieving my goal. When I was little it was gathering together friends on the neighborhood street to do backstreet boy concerts in my parents garage, going through grade school I continually made honor roll, then there was getting together seniors to plan our graduation. Paying my way through school, consistently on the dean’s list, then living on my own, working my way up the corporate ladder, and graduating with almost zero debt. So on and so on……

Life has been a world of achievements but if you knew my heart you would know that the greatest achievement hasn’t been any of the above. Because if life has taught me one thing its that the beauty of the heart can’t be written. It’s not about how good we look on paper. And it’s not about the resume we write with our accomplishments.

The beauty of the heart can’t be written.

My greatest achievement has been beginning to live life with 110% of my heart.

Because the truth is accomplishments wouldn’t show you the opposition that I let consume me. My resume wouldn’t show you that most of what I achieved I did while only letting part of my heart into the game.

My achievements, my resume, degrees….do nothing to tell you the story of my heart. And that’s really the only thing that matters. Ironic, huh? The most important part of the puzzle in this picture of life is the one we spend the least amount of time talking about. 

All my accomplishments could’t tell you of the countless nights my heart wondered if it could ever be whole and not be too much. They couldn’t tell you almost every relationship I’ve ever been in has held me back.  They couldn’t tell you of the passion inside me that sought thrills because I couldn’t find true release.  They couldn’t tell you of the amount of times I’ve sought adventure because I couldn’t find fulfillment in friendships. They couldn’t tell you of the amount of times I’ve been told I was too intense. They couldn’t tell you of the relationships I tried to make work without realizing that I couldn’t ever be wholly me. They couldn’t tell you that I climbed the corporate ladder multiple times because I wanted to find a way to release the drive inside of me….there’s just so much that my accomplishments couldn’t tell you…

You wouldn’t know on paper that I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life settling. 

Yep. I’ve settled. I settled for living as less then who I am. All the passion. All the drive. All the intensity. And I’ve still settled. I’ve let life tell me that there was too much inside me and that in order to retain friendships I had to hide some of the intensity, I had to hide a lot of me.

The reality is I never wanted my life to be enough, I always wanted to break walls, push boundaries and test limits. I’ve done this in every area of my life except my heart.

I’ve let my heart be just enough when everything inside me craves limitless. 

So this is a post on my heart and the simple realization that I can’t. Can’t isn’t a word I use often but I can’t.

I can’t continue to be just enough.

No. I will be more. I will break walls. I will test limits. I will build. I will do. I will live. I IMG_0178will love fiercely. I will encourage you so much it’ll scare you how much I believe in you. I will fight for you. I will defend you. I will show you what you’re worth when you can’t see it. I will be unbearably happy. I will level up. I will spend my days loving, living and fighting with more passion then most.

I will be more then enough, I will be too much and I will be wholly me. Because my heart craves 110% and I’ve settled for 7 years too many.

 

 

Impact and Fulfillment.

I had a revelation about 7 months ago. This revelation changed my entire life. I can truly say that I always thought I had a good picture of who I was. ….I thought. Sure, I went through my teenage identity crisis and hit another little spell in my early 20’s finding out who “me” was, however recently what I found was entirely unexpected…this revelation was different.

It all came about when I started to notice that my life was cycling…..like a roundabout, and in circles and circles I was starting to go. No joke, I know we’ve all had these moments where we start to feel like we’ve been here before. I’ve come to learn that these are things I need to pay attention to, because if I’ve been here before I clearly didn’t learn the first time. As of about three months ago I was about to start this round about for the 4th time…

I found myself ready AGAIN to readjust my life because I felt unsatisfied.

Now if you know me, you know that I have zero qualms with change, I actually enjoy it. I’ve moved 16 times, have a fairly extensive resume, and love to travel. In short, I hate monotony. However, there comes a point where you realize that even change won’t solve the problem. The problem wasn’t monotony, the problem wasn’t the job, the problem wasn’t the apartment, the problem was my choices.

I kept trying to build my life on the idea of what it SHOULD look like.

I started to look at my life for the past several years and realized there was a definite pattern, it looked like this:

Step 1: Find something to conquer. Often times this was in the form of career endeavors. After I decided on what to conquer I would make sure I excelled at whatever it was whether it was educational goals, sports or work life.

Step 2: Prove to myself I could conquer it. Truth is, if I didn’t have something to conquer I would get bored, so I would always take up a good chance to conquer. Why not right? If I knew I would make sure I pushed myself until I won, why not play a game I’ll win at. So at this point I would just fight and push and fight some more until my goal was within reach.

Step 3: Right before I reached my ultimate goal, I would walk away. Typically up until this moment I was so caught up in excelling that I wouldn’t realize I didn’t want what I was fighting for anyways. So as I started to see my goal, as it became attainable and as I could “see” myself at the top, I realized I never wanted to go there…..BOOM. That’s where I would walk away.

Step 4: Find something else to conquer. Seeing the pattern?

It took me cycling before I realized this is what I did and in order to break the pattern I had to find what I really wanted to conquer FOR ME. Not because it looked good, sounded right or read great on a resume. What would make me come alive? This was my mission.

I can honestly say, I have started to find it and it has been the most beautiful beginning.

I found that the two most important parts of my heart are IMPACT and FULFILLMENT.

Impact on the lives of those around me, and fulfillment for my heart in doing and living everything I am passionate about.

This revelation caused another massive shift in my life but for once it was in the direction of me, not just something else to win.

So I challenge you. What are you waking up for every day, a good resume, a good promotion, a good reputation, is it for you or is it something that you were told SHOULD be for you? Are you seeing a pattern? Break it. Because no one will have to live in the lack of fulfillment but you.

Caveat. Please know I am not saying that achievements, or career goals are bad, by no means is that the case. (I LOVE achievements, maybe too much.) I’m saying that when we are looking at the story we want to write, we write it best when we can identify with what makes us come alive. DO identify what makes you passionate and fulfilled, and build a life around it if possible. But DON’T build a career, spending your life trying to convince yourself that your career is what makes you passionate if you know it doesn’t.

Time often doesn’t change passion, don’t waste your life trying.

Is your love comfortable?

Imagine yourself at the end of your life. There you are standing before the throne of God and he asks you “Did you love?” Its a terrifying thought because I think if we are honest we all know there have been times we have failed miserably in this area of relationships.  Whether its friendship, marriage, dating…love is still love. In its simplest terms its definition is to have deep affection for one another.

So Did you love? Did I love? Did we really learn to love each other?  If we  want to look at this question and come up with an honest answer we have to realize who the judge is and who determines what love really looks like. And you nor I are the judge of the love we give. He is.

I won’t bring scripture in on this because the point isn’t to make this some debate.  This is about the God of Love. This is about looking at the way God loved us and asking…

Are we are loving to the same degree?

I don’t think you need to bring scripture in to understand that he is the very substance of love and therefore the only true definition for which to follow.  And we all know how he came and showed love.

So I ask again…

Am I good at loving? Are you good at loving? Are we good at this thing called love?

When you take your love and place it to what Christ did on the cross is there an atom of similarity?

Do you love when it hurts? Do you love even when you can’t? Do you love those who will never return it? Do you love others when its inconvenient?

I am asking this not to post blame, because again I think we all fall short.  I ask this because I am challenging an idea that its okay to limit your love.  While I understand that its not easy to love, I think we’ve developed a mentality within the church that it is okay to limit our love if we believe we have sufficiently loved. But who are we to define sufficiently without holding our love up in comparison his love on the cross.

I see no limit in Christ’s love. I know he hasn’t limited his love toward me.  And you know what I feel it. Because he not only just loves me, he loves me in the way I feel it.

Christ made me and he knows better then anyone how to love me in the way I receive love.  I have heard numerous opinions on this, but I don’t think any of us can ignore those moments that God spoke to you in a way you would hear him, in the same way many times he loves you in the way you feel it.

If he doesn’t limit his love and shows you his love in a way you will feel it, are we not required to do the same?

I believe we are.

In fact I would say that if you aren’t uncomfortable in the amount of love you are showing, you aren’t trying hard enough. 

BUT wait we are new creations and we hate the word “trying” right?  Well guys, we live in a sinful world which sometimes means you have to warrior up to overcome it.  If you aren’t fighting and warrioring to love more, you’ve made love comfortable.

 

I promise you nothing about the cross was comfortable. 

 

Did you catch that…

 

NOTHING about the cross was comfortable. 

 

So please stop, stop making love comfortable.  Stop placing limits on his hands and his heart within you and calling it boundaries. He came to the cross with no boundaries. Are you not called to do the same?

 

 

 

 

The war of destiny…..am I fighting the right battle?

Somewhere, right now someone is waiting for more. And they know it. They can feel it. And even though its yet to be seen they know its real……somewhere it exists. Somewhere what they ache for can be found.

Some people believe destiny is what happens to you, I believe your destiny is something you have to fight for. You were given a mind for a reason, you were given a heart with desires because you have a purpose, you were given freewill because your life is yours to live as you choose. But here’s the catch….how badly do you want this right? How much are you willing to fight for the life you picture? How much does legacy matter? How much do you value impact?

Not everyone is for you. Some are waiting for you to fail. Some are fighting against your greatness. To them…..You are brilliant, or they wouldn’t try so hard to keep you from being YOU. So you better know you really want what you’re fighting for. It will cost you something and in order to win you have to want your destiny more then they want to keep you from it.

Yes, I realize what I just said could sound cynical, and negative, but this isn’t about the resistance to you, this is about realizing something inside you is so brilliant, so beautiful it threatens something. Something that feels small when it compares itself to you. It’s the very force that tries to keep you from you. Why? Because you are worth discovering. You have things you see that are powerful and stunning. You embody the essence of creation. You are to be feared by everything not of him.

I say all this because too often I see heroes back down, or fight aimless battles. I see valiant men run, and beautiful ladies hide…..and all for valid reasons. Sometimes life hurts, the pain is more real then breathing and your heart feels like its going to bleed right out of your chest. Something inside you calls for justice, and nothing around you makes sense. Life sucks, you hurt….and yet you tried to do all the right things. So you run, you hide, or you continue to fight whatever is in the way because maybe in someway you will bring justice, if not in reality…..at least to your heart.

More honestly, I say this because this has been me. To be real, I seemed to be the shit magnet. If it could go wrong, it did. I was doing everything right, and everything good….and shit…shit….and more SHIT. I legitimately started to wonder if I was cursed, I figured by laws of statistics alone I should’ve won more battles then I did. Especially giving 110% and all that jazz. But I am that person who would fight and fight and fight………and then stop the bleeding and fight again.  Bruised, broken, wounded….if I’m breathing, I’ll fight. But then I started to realize something…..

I was miserable AND in mess after mess. Sounds obvious, but really this was a revelation. I HATED LIFE.

That’s when I started to get it….when I was MISERABLE. It wasn’t the battling that bothered me it was that I hated life.  It was that I couldn’t find a reason to continue to pour in passionately to this war I was in, and that’s what I hated more then anything. Sleeping became easier then being awake, I was exhausted all the time, I was Type A as heck, I was super emotional but most people wouldn’t know because I was too tired to cry anyways, everyone annoyed me, and I wanted to sound genuine but was too exhausted and hopeless to really play it off well, so I constantly walked around with “F%*K OFF” written across my forehead (literally that is how it was best described to me).

It took me being miserable to realize...I wasn’t battling for me, I was just making life a giant battle.

I’m so intensely passionate but everything that started to let me be me was shut down so I would fight whatever came at me.  I was angry. I want hurt. And I was annoyed as heck! It wasn’t until I finally stopped fighting long enough to look around, I realized I didn’t WANT what I was fighting for.

Here’s the interesting thing about passion it can be what brings you to your destiny or what causes you to die short of it. Passionate people are like humans on 24/7 crack….we have no idea what quitting looks like, everything is close to heart, and there’s no concept of what a limit is because unless we are dead there’s more ground to conquer.

It took me realizing I didn’t WANT the life I was living to recognize I wasn’t fighting for me anymore. And if I wasn’t fighting for what I wanted and what I loved, then I wasn’t fighting for my destiny either. I was literally just fighting. Bleeding for fun, if you may.

I refuse to live my life in an aimless fight and not be happy.

So I will change it. And my life will look different. Because it’s what I want. I don’t need the battle to stop. I know what’s inside of me terrifies things in the world, and I see battles as inevitable. I also know some people will probably hate me for living so fully or being bold, or laughing too much, or speaking my mind or breathing for that matter. I needed to remember why I love to fight, I needed to have a reason to pour all of me in at 110%. I needed the fighting to be about my destiny. I needed to fight for ME.

I will take risks. I will move. I will be bold. But everyday will be spent being more me, and that’s what makes destiny worth it. I’m brilliant enough to threaten everything that comes against me. My destiny is a war with my name on it. I got no time for pointless battles……

So I’m asking you, are you happy? Are you fighting a battle that brings you closer to your destiny or farther away? You’re brilliant and well worth the victory of finding your destiny….it’s written in your passions. So let me ask this, are you doing what you love?

If not, what are you waiting for? Destiny is as far away as you make it, or as close as you want it.

A Beautiful Violent Life.

I feel like I live everyday I’m exploding from the inside out, its as if everything in me is expanding and touching the walls of my being, but they just won’t break.

There’s a war between what I see and what I feel and somedays the gap feels as big as the oceans wide. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it, as I do this world I see around me. But something stops and I’m fighting to find what… what stops the release, so I can break it. So I can break it and feel free again. Everyday I spend in the contrast between what I know and what I see causes the fight inside me to grow. I feel the power beneath my skin grow like raging waves, I never knew life could feel so violent. That something so true, so pure, and so right could have such aggression. I’ve heard it said that you can’t unsee what you’ve seen, you can’t untaste what you’ve tasted and you can’t forget the mysteries you’ve been told.  I now understand. Because regardless how violent the fight gets I can’t release the depth in me its creating, I can’t stop the way its pulsing inside my being like a life separate from mine yet with every beat of my heart its alive, its growing, and it feels like me. We breathe the same, we feel the same and no matter how many times I try to live ignoring the waves crashing inside my being….I can’t. I can’t shut it out for too long because when I allow myself to feel as it does, I’m alive. I’m living in a depth no sight, taste, or memory has taken me to before. A depth filled with a power so great I want to implode but the only thing that keeps me alive is knowing somehow this life I’m feeling inside me has to grow beyond my walls. Somehow I have to find the release that allows the raging sea inside my soul to find a place to expand. A thought that leaves me content but yet longing at the same time. I can’t let it go, I love the depth its creating inside me, I love the power I feel, I love the fight between what’s real, resonating in the depths of my soul, and what I see surrounding me. Something conflicting fights inside me. But the revelation of the nature of this life remains the same. It’s not separate from me.
It is me.
It will never go away.
I will never lose it.
I am it. 
I feel the time will come where I will see it flow from inside me, its a consuming life that fights for the reality of my destiny, for as long as I say yes. This oceans rage is beautiful. It’s perfect peace is felt in its crashing waves. It’s a roaring sea that shakes and wreaks all that defy its power. Nothing can contain it. Nothing can stop it. It’s character can’t be hidden, and its authority is known from the ages. No containment can stop it. No wall can hinder it. It is ever powerful. Ever beautiful. Ever victorious.
The depth inside me won’t be lost to release, release is simply the result of depth. I never stop sinking into this vast ocean inside me. I never stop feeling its heart, I never stop moving with its current. I never stop losing myself and finding more of me. I know no limits. Release isn’t a loss, release allows more. Its as if the walls of my being were the horizon, and suddenly the shoreline expanded miles and miles beyond what I knew before.
Here I am, full of fight and full of life. What rages inside me pushes forward the horizon, moves the shoreline out farther and farther. I expand from the inside out, the oceans waves rise up inside me, and crash along freshly expanded sands that used to be the containment I kept behind. I am free, I am violent, I am alive. Nothing inside me knows how to quit, Nothing inside me knows how to stop. From the depths within me rise the waves that consume the world around me.
I am swimming in a sea only my heart once saw. What was once a dream is now written as history. Release has won me and depth hasn’t betrayed me.  How can it? With every breath I breathe I sink further, we sink deeper. Deeper and deeper. And deeper. . ..

…To tell you.

To our generation… to you:

These are the questions I wish we could chat about. Because I want you to know, you are worth it, in every possible way.  I see your heart, I know you’ve been hurt, but I feel the power in you. I feel the reality of destiny inside your being. I watch you, and I’m amazed that you don’t see what you were created for, you are so perfect. No one could be you.

How do I tell you you’re beautiful?

That what hides deep inside you, that song you feel was always meant to burst into a beautiful melody. It was meant to be sung, and it’s why you feel the way you do. The ache inside is the reality of you, don’t hide it. I want to see what you contain. I want to watch you walk into fullness. I want you to be unafraid.

How do I tell you you’re free?

You are safe. You are being fought for. Let you be you. Because the dreams that are hidden inside of you, were purposed to be created. Don’t deprive the world of the authenticity of you, because they want to see you, for everything you are. You are safe, don’t be afraid to be free. I trust what dwells inside you.

How do I tell you, you were created in brilliance, and for great destiny?

You are perfect. Every detail about your personality, every part of your character was created for a purpose. Dream it. You weren’t given desires to toss them aside, you were given desires because they are part of your heart. Go get them. Go after what you see, because it was hidden in you so you could bring it about. It was hidden in you so you could feel the beauty of finding all you are.

How do I tell you that you are worthy?

That your heart is worth honoring. That everything you hold, the treasure of you is glorious. You radiate. I see you, and I see something powerful, I see purpose, I see someone who can change the world. I see it. It’s you. And you are honorable. I’m not asking what you’ve done, I’m telling you, what you are is to be honored.

How do I tell you, you are protected?

Everything you were born with, was put in you before time began, with brilliance in mind and purposed for destiny. Everything about the real, authentic you, is protected. It’s hidden in the pages of his heart. He hasn’t forgotten the glory he put in you, He has made you in color. Be you, you can’t lose.  It’s already who you are.  He hasn’t lost the reality of you, in all your beauty. You’re protected.  You’re being fought for.

How do I tell you?

……maybe one day I’ll meet your heart, and you’ll give me the chance. I’m for you.