Tag Archives: choice

A Beautiful Violent Life.

I feel like I live everyday I’m exploding from the inside out, its as if everything in me is expanding and touching the walls of my being, but they just won’t break.

There’s a war between what I see and what I feel and somedays the gap feels as big as the oceans wide. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it, as I do this world I see around me. But something stops and I’m fighting to find what… what stops the release, so I can break it. So I can break it and feel free again. Everyday I spend in the contrast between what I know and what I see causes the fight inside me to grow. I feel the power beneath my skin grow like raging waves, I never knew life could feel so violent. That something so true, so pure, and so right could have such aggression. I’ve heard it said that you can’t unsee what you’ve seen, you can’t untaste what you’ve tasted and you can’t forget the mysteries you’ve been told.  I now understand. Because regardless how violent the fight gets I can’t release the depth in me its creating, I can’t stop the way its pulsing inside my being like a life separate from mine yet with every beat of my heart its alive, its growing, and it feels like me. We breathe the same, we feel the same and no matter how many times I try to live ignoring the waves crashing inside my being….I can’t. I can’t shut it out for too long because when I allow myself to feel as it does, I’m alive. I’m living in a depth no sight, taste, or memory has taken me to before. A depth filled with a power so great I want to implode but the only thing that keeps me alive is knowing somehow this life I’m feeling inside me has to grow beyond my walls. Somehow I have to find the release that allows the raging sea inside my soul to find a place to expand. A thought that leaves me content but yet longing at the same time. I can’t let it go, I love the depth its creating inside me, I love the power I feel, I love the fight between what’s real, resonating in the depths of my soul, and what I see surrounding me. Something conflicting fights inside me. But the revelation of the nature of this life remains the same. It’s not separate from me.
It is me.
It will never go away.
I will never lose it.
I am it. 
I feel the time will come where I will see it flow from inside me, its a consuming life that fights for the reality of my destiny, for as long as I say yes. This oceans rage is beautiful. It’s perfect peace is felt in its crashing waves. It’s a roaring sea that shakes and wreaks all that defy its power. Nothing can contain it. Nothing can stop it. It’s character can’t be hidden, and its authority is known from the ages. No containment can stop it. No wall can hinder it. It is ever powerful. Ever beautiful. Ever victorious.
The depth inside me won’t be lost to release, release is simply the result of depth. I never stop sinking into this vast ocean inside me. I never stop feeling its heart, I never stop moving with its current. I never stop losing myself and finding more of me. I know no limits. Release isn’t a loss, release allows more. Its as if the walls of my being were the horizon, and suddenly the shoreline expanded miles and miles beyond what I knew before.
Here I am, full of fight and full of life. What rages inside me pushes forward the horizon, moves the shoreline out farther and farther. I expand from the inside out, the oceans waves rise up inside me, and crash along freshly expanded sands that used to be the containment I kept behind. I am free, I am violent, I am alive. Nothing inside me knows how to quit, Nothing inside me knows how to stop. From the depths within me rise the waves that consume the world around me.
I am swimming in a sea only my heart once saw. What was once a dream is now written as history. Release has won me and depth hasn’t betrayed me.  How can it? With every breath I breathe I sink further, we sink deeper. Deeper and deeper. And deeper. . ..

To the dreamers. To the heroes. To those who say, YES.

Bold enough to be first. Brave enough to go where no one had gone before. Strong enough to press on when everyone else runs in retreat. 

…That says hero to me, that inspires me. That is the route of chasing my dreams into reality. But what would happen if I did it, what if I lived my life with heroic proportions? What if I dared to go where I know life is desperate to be awakened?  What if I chased him and what I know to be so real with a desperate love nothing could deterrer? What if I truly knew what I was capable of, and then had the courage to act on it?

“What if’s” only matter if they push you to become brave enough to make them reality, otherwise they will always make you feel alive, but you’ll never really live there. It’ll be a beautiful dream, but are you willing to risk, to take a jump, and make it real?

This is where my heart lives. When I push the world I see away, I see this….

I see the world of my heart, I see what I know to be true, I see what’s more real, and more alive, and I love it.  Honestly, part of me just loves the dream of it, I’m afraid that it won’t be what I imagine. But to fear inadequacy like that, is to put faith in the inferior realm, and therefore to defy what I know to be real.

I have two choices, I can live afraid and keep it a dream, or…

I can live in faith and make it reality.

You see, My God is capable of insanely ridiculously, huge things that defy every bit of reason, so to live in a dream would be to not realize who I am in love with and how desperately he loves me.

It starts in the heart, but it moves with the power of freewill.  I must decide this is what I want, passion without willpower to move is simply an excited heart chained to the earth.  It’s a choice that’s mine to make, he gave me the decision, and the ability to make it.  He gave me freewill so I could co-labor with him, so I could dream with him, so I could recklessly love him.  He cares what I think!

It’s all pretty insanely cool to me. He gave me a chance to stand at the brink of living in all I dream, and in essence asked me, Do you want this?

God knows all. He knows what I want. Of course I want it. But he asks, so I could have to chance to see me. To see who he sees. To see what he made me capable of. Because my answer of yes, doesn’t just mean, Okay God, you can give it to me. It means, Okay God I finally see the hero you made in me, I finally see that you made me strong enough to move. I finally see that I was made to be in love with you, and that its safe to dream in you. My yes, is an expression of identity, an act of complete trust, and a move made with desperate love.

God could drop dreams into our lap, but then we would miss the beautiful picture of becoming who we are in him while finding them.  We find the identity of him he wrote in us, we become the desperate lovers of the bridegroom, heroes called to rise and we realize we are radically beautiful.

He gives us freewill to chase the dreams he inspires because he knows what we really achieve when we finally make the choice to say……..