Tag Archives: you

Step 7: Facing the Fear of You.

I remember reaching a point about 5 months ago where I realized that it really didn’t matter what happened in life. It didn’t matter what turn jobs took. It didn’t matter what people stayed in my life. It didn’t matter what trials came.

I would conquer. 

Now, this all sounds great. It sounds epic and heroic and all those great things. Let’s just be totally real… it’s terrifying. It’s lonely, I felt slightly insane and it was one of the biggest “Oh Shit” moments of my whole life. Because it came with a certain level of invincibility that I knew I would choose to embrace.

And that, that scared me. It scared me more then any trial before. It scared me more then any heartache. It scared me more then any loss, pain, depth, sorrow. It scared me more then anything in my whole life.

The very fact that I knew I would choose to overcome terrified me to the core. 

It was like there became this power inside me that was separate from me yet part of me. That no matter the battle everything inside me would come alive, and I would face it. But it wasn’t just facing the battle, it was the sense that I would face it without holding back. That I would face the battle with no restraint. That I would courageously refuse to settle for anything less then absolute victory. It was as if my heart had finally been awakened and told that it was ok to feel as capable as I was. In this moment everything shifted, everything changed. And still this was only a glimpse of what my life would be…I could see thrills, depth, huge, and great things, but also the terrifying, the real, and the hard.

I couldn’t say yes to this moment without knowing that I would one day face everything at a higher degree, a greater momentum, and a more massive heart.

Anais Nin writes, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

My life was going to expand. I was going to live huge..if only I had the courage to embrace it, if only I would choose to conquer the only fear I had left, if only I would choose to conquer the fear that would change EVERYTHING…..The fear of me.

People think that being broken is hard. People think that being empty is hard. People think that being hurt is hard. People think that yesterday’s pain is hard.

Yes it is. But so often we use pain, emptiness and hurt as a crutch to live within our limits. We like to feel, we were made to feel. Whether it be pain or love we were made to let something touch our heart. However, when we don’t feel that we are strong enough or worthy enough to feel love we revert to pain, heartache, and brokenness. We feel one or the other, pain or love. We make that choice everyday. And this choice we make based on our worth. If you need to, read Step 1 again. Belief in who we are is powerful to say the least.

What we don’t often realize is that what we choose to feel defines our limits.

Pain is limited.

Love is limitless.

It’s that simple. Simple but an imperative principle to understand so I’ll say it again. Pain is limited, love is limitless.

If you choose to live in pain. You will always be living in limits.

If you choose to live in love. You will always be limitless.

Take a look at the Hulk. We all know that story. He knew how powerful he was, but he was afraid, he chose fear. And in his fear he left his whole life. He lived in a box of being alone. It wasn’t until he embraced his power along with the fact that he had he was needed, he was wanted….he was LOVED, that he realized how to be truly limitless. He didn’t truly understand his power until he coupled it with understanding he was loved.

Love does crazy things to a heart. Power does crazy things to a heart. Take those two and put them together… You get the most explosive, impactful, influential people the world has ever seen.

My moment. My choice. My heart. I chose me. Real talk, I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that sometimes I think on my life and just wonder what the heck I’m doing.

….My life was easier when I cared less, My life was easier when I chose pain, My life was easier when I let heartache define my actions, My life was easier when I let jealousy, bitterness and anger write my words. My life was easier when I drank away emotion and let hurt define my love. My life has been significantly more difficult since that moment. Since the moment I stopped letting the fear of pain control my potential. Since the moment I faced my fear of me.

We are taught to fear pain, heartache and hurt so much in this world but what we don’t realize is that the fear of the whole, limitless and powerful version of you is greater. No really. We fear being whole more then we fear being empty. We fear healing more then we fear hurt. We fear love more then we fear pain. We fear what we cannot control and we can control pain.

This fear of you is rarely talked about and even more rarely faced. So this is my attempt to talk about what makes so many of us uncomfortable. The fact that maybe there is more to the pain, maybe there’s healing; more to the brokenness, maybe there’s wholeness; and more to the emptiness, maybe there’s limitless.

Let’s face it, the fear of me is massive. And everyday, I have to choose me. I have to choose not to hide in the pain and settle for brokenness. But instead embrace wholeness.

Everyday is a choice. Do I choose love or pain? I choose love. But everyday, pain offers the opportunity to come back. And everyday I know it was an easy hell to live there.

Step 7: Face the fear of you. 

 

Feel free to message, Facebook or Tweet me if you want to chat! Also, you can find the prior “Step 6” post here.

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Walking by name.

Something happens when you finally start to remember your name? When you start to realize who he calls you? and who he sees you as?

It’s like you discover a depth you just can’t fill, it’s crazy because as much as I want to fill it. I don’t. Because this moment. This time, is so perfectly beautiful.  It’s a pretty crazy thing to watch as God builds back in you…you.  All so he could just be with you. Because when you didn’t see you, you missed out on a big part of him.  And then he reveals colors all over you, and you begin to start dreaming big, and seeing big, and then you realize. Without holding on to this, without living for this, you will never live life fully.

It’s you and him. And its crazy beautiful.

Its this moment that as much as I am excited for what’s to come, I want to channel this and stuff it in a bottle and cork it, like priceless pixie dust.  It’s a revelation, and intimacy, a depth I never want to see leave, I only want to see it grow. I want to see it explode. Because while he has told me who I am, and what I am…I realize all I want is more.

He calls us by name and he creates in us a dimension I don’t want to be able to describe, but when you start to see it…..it’s crazy. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, because you come alive in a way you can’t describe, in ways where, when I fully let go, it’s gonna look a little out there.  It’s going to be radical, and it’s going to be so…me.

Because the truth is, so much of the restraint I allowed myself to live by, was never who I was.

I’ve started on a road that I don’t want to see stop, I don’t even really want to end up at a destination, because in ending somewhere, it’s like saying I’m full, Ive settled in, I’m content. I don’t want to be content. I want more. I want more of this. All of this.

This identity, this beauty, this radical way of life…the one he always painted for me, it took me loosing myself to find it.  But now that I have, it’s where I’m at, it’s who I am, and where I am going. It’s as simple as that, and yet way more beautiful then words could explain.

Walking by name is a whole huge adventure.  And I know that to live without it…..is to not live. I don’t want to live for just okay, for just enough. I don’t want to be content with okay….I don’t want okay. I wasn’t born for just okay, and neither were you. It was never written in our spirit to live for subpar, that was always our choice.  Well I say no.

I want all of this, and everything more, I don’t want to be satisfied, and I don’t want to be contained. I want everything in me to explode, to let out me and him… It’s a love song, that will come alive in my life.

One radical beautiful adventure….only beginning, and the end isn’t in sight. This is what he wants us to see, he wants us to know who he created so perfectly, and how much he always just wanted to be with us.