I’m Not Who You Think I Am: 6 Real Things About My Heart.

There are so many times where I wish that we would choose to see hearts instead of personas or stereotypes. I wish that we would take the time to get past our own frustrations and hurts and look objectively at what people are trying to say rather than assume that we already know them and their intent. I say this not because I always choose to (there are days I most definitely fail), but I say this because I think it holds true regardless if we choose to be strong enough to listen. I think what I am really getting at is that as of this past year there are so many moments that I wish I could speak and people would actually listen to my heart.

This is my attempt at speaking from my heart, and hoping that anyone reading will listen rather than judge or stereotype who you think I am.

Because until you know who I am before coffee or after I’ve had to “people” all day, you really don’t know me.

Now I could go into some “I Am” speech to tell you all about me but instead here’s the world through my eyes as of recent….

“We live in a world where everyone wants to be known and they want to be fulfilled but the reality is we have done a very poor job at being a safe culture where others can be authentic. I hold the church accountable for this. Now, if you are not a christian, I just used the word church, so you might be on guard (which I get). Oh but if you are a Christian, I just used the word accountable, so you are probably on guard too. No matter which way you paint this scenario once “church” comes into the equation, my personal history shows that people stop listening to my heart.

The Christians stop listening because they are already offended. The world stops listening because they were offended by the Christians. 

Now, hold for one moment and remember that I started this post by asking you to listen to my heart. So please, listen.

What you don’t know about me #1: If I didn’t know God apart from the church, I would be an atheist. 

I understand the pain that the church has caused people more than most people will ever know. In fact every big point in my life where I have been hurt has come from the church. I understand being offended by the word “Church” because to be honest sometimes, I am too.

The church has been the source of so much pain for me, SO much pain. When people talk about a dislike to “Church Goers” the sad part is that I can’t argue with them because I see what they see.  And in effort to be completely honest, I would be an atheist right now if who I know God to be was dependent on the insulting attempt of the church to portray him.

I can’t support what the church is doing. I simply won’t. I see hypocrisy. I see fake. I see unaccountable people who hurt others and don’t fix it. I see broken people trying to convince the world they are whole. I see people causing ruin to relationships around them and leaving shambles of hearts calling themselves “Christians”.

What you don’t know about me #2: I have a very big problem with how the church handles hearts. 

If you are a Christian, congratulations on making it this far in this post. My guess is you are either pretty frustrated with me and thinking of the best reply to remind me of “who the church is” or you are actually trying to see my heart. If it is the latter, than thank you.

You see, what I want more than anything is to be able to talk to the hearts that the church has hurt. I want to be given a moment where I can talk of God and not have someone tie me to some church, which is responsible for some wound, somewhere on their heart.

What you don’t know about me #3: I see God apart from the church. 

When I said that almost every big pain I’ve gone through in life was due to the church, I meant it. It shouldn’t be that way. And the bigger problem is that every attempt I’ve made to bring it up to the church, has gone unvalidated. I would understand this response if it was just my pain and my heart. But I’ve seen so many people hurt by the church that I know it’s not specific to my heart. This is where I get caught. This is the church. THE CHURCH, which is supposed to represent God to the world and they are massively failing.

What you don’t know about me #4: I don’t see people helped by the Church, I see them broken by it. 

This is a problem. Because the God I know doesn’t break people, yet his church does. I’m not asking you to look at some attendance count on Sunday morning, I’m asking you if the church is building people that will last. Is the church building people that are strong? Is the church building people who know who they are? Is the church building people of character? Is the church creating a culture of love? Because if they did I can promise you the the “church death toll” would be lower.

What you don’t know about me #5: I would love to be able to say that I believe in God and love him without those who have been hurt by the church looking at me like I am absolutely insane because to them he is the church. 

So if you listen to any part of my heart, let it be this. God is not the failing church. I don’t know how to really portray this or say it and know anyone will listen, but I know that if I don’t say it, it will never get the chance to be heard. And if its never heard then the world will go on, being hurt like I’ve been without knowing that the church isn’t God. God isn’t pain. God isn’t the wounds the church has caused. God isn’t divisive. God isn’t rejection. God isn’t full of slander. God isn’t prideful. God doesn’t cause you to doubt your value. God doesn’t cause you to doubt your worth. God isn’t what the church has become and for what it’s become, I’m sorry.

What you don’t know about me #6: I wish I could talk to every heart the church has hurt because than maybe I could show them the God who healed me. 

I have been drunk, high and reckless trying to numb the hurt by those who came with the title “Christian”, I have tried coping with the pain the church caused my heart and I’ve tried masking it. Nothing worked. Everything I tried was a temporary fix, until I remembered the God I knew before….before the failing church of today.

So I leave you with this, I’m not hiding my pain or my healing or pretend that the behavior of the church or “Christians” is okay–It’s not. Its a very big problem and one that the church needs to address. My story is one I will share, because the world needs to know that God isn’t in the people who fail to represent him.”

 

My pledge to the failing Church, my pledge to Christians.

 

I promise to not let your choice to be weak, set the standard of strength in my life. 

I promise to not let your lack of character affect my desire and choice to continually build mine. 

I promise to not let your lack of integrity affect my belief that morals do exist and to apply them wholeheartedly to mine. 

I promise to not let your choice of comfort over growth affect my choice to continually push myself to be better and develop in every trial and every struggle.

I promise to not let your talk of love give you the appearance of of being a genuinely loving entity but rather let your actions define your current capacity to love.

I promise to employ the love He talks of, not the love you show.

I promise to look at your predominantly negative impact to this nation as a representation of your actions, character and personal disciplines not who you claim to follow. 

I promise to look at your wounds and your fears and compare them to the strength in your heart, before I assume you will choose to be strong enough to be the person you appear to be on Sundays or on Facebook. 

I promise to not let your decision in choosing to let division tear apart relationships be a representation of God’s desire for unity, his passion for growth or his ability to heal. 

I promise to not forget your potential or purpose. 

I promise to let your actions define your character not the character of your God. 

I promise to let your choice to settle for subpar in so many aspects of your life be a representation of your weakness, not God’s. 

I promise to let the choices you make to live inside your walls and choose protection over healing or restoring relationship be reflective of your wounds and not the worth of those around you. 

I promise to let the stupid things you do and say go, but still forever wish you see how many people you are hurting. 

I promise to not hate you for the self-righteous words you speak to people who have more character then you, and to not choose to be angry at you for the pain others have felt from your lack of self-control. 

I promise to not assume that your role as a leadership means you live righteously. 

I promise to see all the hearts you have left in ruin while you walk in self-righteous ignorance of your salvation and to try to love those hearts in the ways you have failed. 

I promise to not look to you as a reflection of my God. 

I promise to recognize his grace but acknowledge the expansive affect of your choices. 

I promise to set myself apart from you.

I promise to love you, but not be part of whatever you claim to be. 

I promise to recognize that you are failing miserably to represent the God you claim to follow. 

I promise to try to be a conduit of healing in a world that you have helped shatter. 

I promise to love you and God alike, but to recognize that never in my life has there been such a vast difference between the two of you. 

 

I have believed in God for 26 years. I have seen him move in my life, I have seen him do things only he can do time and time again. I have also grown up in the church, and while I absolutely believe in God, I do not condone nor support the choices I see in much of the Church today. If you call yourself a “Christian” then at a minimum you should be a genuinely good person, if not then at least be accountable for your choice to be a below average human being. The church is caught up in what I like to call “ignorant grace”, and its this idea that because you have salvation you somehow don’t need to give as much care or concern to how you handle your heart, life or relationships. You are wrong. If you claim to live covered by grace, then you are also claiming to be a christian which in turn is claiming to be a representation of who God is. Therefore you have subjected your life to a high mandate to give all you have to be a person with integrity, character and love so great that your actions speak louder then your words.

I refuse to let the way “Christians” handle relationships, friendships, challenges and trials change my belief of the standard to live with integrity, character or love.

I will build my life daily. I will love even when its hard. I will grow, I will develop in character and I will live my life in excellence. I will fight for relationship. I will continue to push for more, greater and bigger things then I have seen. I will continue to make an impact, and I will continue to not settle. I will live my life in a way that shows that I love God, but make no mistake that I do not share an association with the current reflection of “god” you, christians and the church alike, are giving the world.

 

 

 

 

Maybe.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be easy. 

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be comfortable.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be convenient.

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be understood. 

Maybe it wasn’t meant for the weak. 

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be simple. 

Maybe it wasn’t meant for the follower. 

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be for the mediocre.

Maybe it wasn’t meant for the ordinary of heart.

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be for everyone.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be for the average. 

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be for her or for him.

Maybe your destiny wasn’t meant to be just for you. 

Maybe you weren’t meant to be limited to your vision of your capacity.

Maybe you weren’t supposed to leave a small mark on the world.

Maybe you weren’t meant for minor impact. 

Maybe you weren’t supposed to ever settle.

Maybe you weren’t meant to carry the same weight as others.

Maybe your life wasn’t supposed to make sense.

Maybe you weren’t meant to conquer easy. 

 

Just maybe….

 

Maybe it was meant to be hard. 

Maybe it was supposed to be uncomfortable. 

Maybe it was meant to be inconvenient. 

Maybe it was supposed to be misunderstood. 

Maybe it was designed for the hero. 

Maybe it was supposed to be complex. 

Maybe it was created for the driven. 

Maybe it was supposed to be a fight.

Maybe it was meant for the extraordinary of heart.

Maybe it was supposed to be for the select few.

Maybe it was meant to be for the above-average.

Maybe it was supposed to be for you.

Maybe your destiny was meant for the benefit of others. 

Maybe you were meant to be bigger then you ever thought possible. 

Maybe you were supposed to be this huge person. 

Maybe you were meant to impact masses. 

Maybe you were supposed to never settle for yesterday’s version of you.

Maybe you were meant for great challenges.

Maybe you were supposed to overcome where most have failed. 

Maybe you were meant to inspire others. 

Maybe you were supposed to build more then you imagined. 

Maybe you are stronger then you know. 

Maybe you have more courage then you’ll ever need.

Maybe you are far more necessary then you realize. 

Maybe you are going to change more lives then you’ll ever be able to count.

Maybe you will teach others how to be heroic.

Maybe you were made to leave a massive impact on the world. 

Maybe you were meant to live a greater life then you ever thought possible. 

 

JUST MAYBE you’ve underestimated you.