“I always thought I was too much, but your box was just too small.” -My Heart.

So here’s to taking a short interval in the writing of the Superhero Chronicles to share my heart… I’ve got my coffee, let’s get real.

I have always been a hugely passionate person. Regardless what it was if I was all in consider it done because I would stop at nothing short of achieving my goal. When I was little it was gathering together friends on the neighborhood street to do backstreet boy concerts in my parents garage, going through grade school I continually made honor roll, then there was getting together seniors to plan our graduation. Paying my way through school, consistently on the dean’s list, then living on my own, working my way up the corporate ladder, and graduating with almost zero debt. So on and so on……

Life has been a world of achievements but if you knew my heart you would know that the greatest achievement hasn’t been any of the above. Because if life has taught me one thing its that the beauty of the heart can’t be written. It’s not about how good we look on paper. And it’s not about the resume we write with our accomplishments.

The beauty of the heart can’t be written.

My greatest achievement has been beginning to live life with 110% of my heart.

Because the truth is accomplishments wouldn’t show you the opposition that I let consume me. My resume wouldn’t show you that most of what I achieved I did while only letting part of my heart into the game.

My achievements, my resume, degrees….do nothing to tell you the story of my heart. And that’s really the only thing that matters. Ironic, huh? The most important part of the puzzle in this picture of life is the one we spend the least amount of time talking about. 

All my accomplishments could’t tell you of the countless nights my heart wondered if it could ever be whole and not be too much. They couldn’t tell you almost every relationship I’ve ever been in has held me back.  They couldn’t tell you of the passion inside me that sought thrills because I couldn’t find true release.  They couldn’t tell you of the amount of times I’ve sought adventure because I couldn’t find fulfillment in friendships. They couldn’t tell you of the amount of times I’ve been told I was too intense. They couldn’t tell you of the relationships I tried to make work without realizing that I couldn’t ever be wholly me. They couldn’t tell you that I climbed the corporate ladder multiple times because I wanted to find a way to release the drive inside of me….there’s just so much that my accomplishments couldn’t tell you…

You wouldn’t know on paper that I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life settling. 

Yep. I’ve settled. I settled for living as less then who I am. All the passion. All the drive. All the intensity. And I’ve still settled. I’ve let life tell me that there was too much inside me and that in order to retain friendships I had to hide some of the intensity, I had to hide a lot of me.

The reality is I never wanted my life to be enough, I always wanted to break walls, push boundaries and test limits. I’ve done this in every area of my life except my heart.

I’ve let my heart be just enough when everything inside me craves limitless. 

So this is a post on my heart and the simple realization that I can’t. Can’t isn’t a word I use often but I can’t.

I can’t continue to be just enough.

No. I will be more. I will break walls. I will test limits. I will build. I will do. I will live. I will love fiercely. I will encourage you so much it’ll scare you how much I believe in you. I will fight for you. I will defend you. I will show you what you’re worth when you can’t see it. I will be unbearably happy. I will level up. I will spend my days loving, living and fighting with more passion then most.

I will be more then enough, I will be too much and I will be wholly me. Because my heart craves 110% and I’ve settled for 7 years too many.

 

 

Impact and Fulfillment.

I had a revelation about 7 months ago. This revelation changed my entire life. I can truly say that I always thought I had a good picture of who I was. ….I thought. Sure, I went through my teenage identity crisis and hit another little spell in my early 20’s finding out who “me” was, however recently what I found was entirely unexpected…this revelation was different.

It all came about when I started to notice that my life was cycling…..like a roundabout, and in circles and circles I was starting to go. No joke, I know we’ve all had these moments where we start to feel like we’ve been here before. I’ve come to learn that these are things I need to pay attention to, because if I’ve been here before I clearly didn’t learn the first time. As of about three months ago I was about to start this round about for the 4th time…

I found myself ready AGAIN to readjust my life because I felt unsatisfied.

Now if you know me, you know that I have zero qualms with change, I actually enjoy it. I’ve moved 16 times, have a fairly extensive resume, and love to travel. In short, I hate monotony. However, there comes a point where you realize that even change won’t solve the problem. The problem wasn’t monotony, the problem wasn’t the job, the problem wasn’t the apartment, the problem was my choices.

I kept trying to build my life on the idea of what it SHOULD look like.

I started to look at my life for the past several years and realized there was a definite pattern, it looked like this:

Step 1: Find something to conquer. Often times this was in the form of career endeavors. After I decided on what to conquer I would make sure I excelled at whatever it was whether it was educational goals, sports or work life.

Step 2: Prove to myself I could conquer it. Truth is, if I didn’t have something to conquer I would get bored, so I would always take up a good chance to conquer. Why not right? If I knew I would make sure I pushed myself until I won, why not play a game I’ll win at. So at this point I would just fight and push and fight some more until my goal was within reach.

Step 3: Right before I reached my ultimate goal, I would walk away. Typically up until this moment I was so caught up in excelling that I wouldn’t realize I didn’t want what I was fighting for anyways. So as I started to see my goal, as it became attainable and as I could “see” myself at the top, I realized I never wanted to go there…..BOOM. That’s where I would walk away.

Step 4: Find something else to conquer. Seeing the pattern?

It took me cycling before I realized this is what I did and in order to break the pattern I had to find what I really wanted to conquer FOR ME. Not because it looked good, sounded right or read great on a resume. What would make me come alive? This was my mission.

I can honestly say, I have started to find it and it has been the most beautiful beginning.

I found that the two most important parts of my heart are IMPACT and FULFILLMENT.

Impact on the lives of those around me, and fulfillment for my heart in doing and living everything I am passionate about.

This revelation caused another massive shift in my life but for once it was in the direction of me, not just something else to win.

So I challenge you. What are you waking up for every day, a good resume, a good promotion, a good reputation, is it for you or is it something that you were told SHOULD be for you? Are you seeing a pattern? Break it. Because no one will have to live in the lack of fulfillment but you.

Caveat. Please know I am not saying that achievements, or career goals are bad, by no means is that the case. (I LOVE achievements, maybe too much.) I’m saying that when we are looking at the story we want to write, we write it best when we can identify with what makes us come alive. DO identify what makes you passionate and fulfilled, and build a life around it if possible. But DON’T build a career, spending your life trying to convince yourself that your career is what makes you passionate if you know it doesn’t.

Time often doesn’t change passion, don’t waste your life trying.

Broken Bridges.

This biggest little city has me more determined to look forward then ever before.

It has come extremely easy to me lately, never before has my future been so clear. Never before have I wanted my future so much. Never before have I been so excited to be me, and live MY life. Forward. That is the direction I am going and that is the direction I will look. However, tonight I found it hard to ignore the amount of past life that seems to be everywhere…

I have lived here long enough to have memories in every nook and cranny of this city. Almost every suburb. Every church. Every area of town. It all holds a memory from my past some amazing, some good and some not so good. In many ways this city is like a scrapbook of the biggest parts of my life, stories made, lessons learned and some broken bridges.

Broken bridges are what got me tonight. You can’t always choose to let things end well. You can’t choose how others will respond. And you can’t determine how people will handle it when you walk away. Broken bridges. They aren’t a bad thing. But tonight I couldn’t ignore their presence. I started thinking about why some things need to break, and why some things need to end, I started to think on my role, and what I can and can’t control. Friends and relationships alike, the past is the past for a reason.

It’s my job to keep me classy, but I can’t keep others classy. 

Nope, I don’t really care what my history with so and so looked like, who I am after the fact is a me issue. Any unforgiveness I have is a me problem. Any left over pain is a me problem. I am mine to handle. Others are their own responsibility. Its that simple.

It’s my job to seek reconciliation when possible, but I can’t make someone want it. 

Reconciliation is often difficult, but it’s not always possible. You can never force someone to want to rebuild a friendship with you, they may just not want it. That’s ok.

It’s my job to make sure I am going in the direction I need to go, but I can’t control if it’s not where others are headed too. 

In the end, if I haven’t married you, I’m okay with that. If you aren’t that friend right beside me, I’m okay with that. Because the truth is I know that those who are meant to stay in my life (friends or relationships) will be there, and it won’t be at the cost of my dreams and goals.

It’s my job to love, it’s not my job to rebuild every broken relationship/friendship. 

Reconciliation sometimes isn’t an option because whatever did exist had to break. Every bridge doesn’t need to be rebuilt. Some are better left broken because I don’t ever want to go that way again.

…..In a city where so many of my memories were made I can honestly say that I can look on the broken bridges from my past and say that there are some that are still broken, and that’s okay. Because I can truly say “I’m not going that way”. I have so many memories in this city, so much of me has been built here, and I love this city for it. I love what I’ve learned. I love who I have become. I love where I am going. But I can tell you with 100% certainty that the direction I’m going is not backwards. I’m not about to rebuild bridges to places I don’t want to go and a me that I don’t want back.

Relationships come and go. Friendships will come and go. Those that are meant to last will. Those that keep me from moving forward, those bridges will stay broken.

Forward. Even if it costs breaking some bridges.

Lost in love, made to dream, called to be the Hero.

How do I describe a life I want to see, that I haven’t found here, that I haven’t seen in its fullness but that I dream about? How do I attempt to tell you about a beautiful discontentment and have it carry the same weight in words that it carries on my heart?

I tell you that it is one of the most beautiful things to have something inside you grow so big that you want to see it in the world around you so much you ache.  That this…life, it can’t stay inside you any longer, because as crazy as it sounds it just starts to hurt.  It’s an ache for what I’ve dreamed and imagined, and to live in the contrast is difficult, very difficult. But even in the ache its beautiful, because  it’s so full, because it’s worth it, and because its life beyond measure.  Because when I talk about it…the core of me comes alive.

This is what happens in the heart of His dreamer, this is what happens when you think so big, and imagine, and create, and finally….finally know you were made to co-labor with God.  A world is birthed inside of you, and you must create it.  It’s that simple. It was put in you, it was knit into your being, into your personality, and after watching this dream, this world grow inside you, you taste it. You begin to see in your heart what fills you, what touches you….what is you, walking in such fullness.

You see, the heart of a dreamer in love with Him is radical. You begin to see more, to see from a bigger perspective, you start to lose the limits, and get creative, and not allow what seems logical to bind you. You reach a new level of living…and you can’t go back.

This world begins to grow inside you, and while it does you begin to watch as he calls back alive in you, who you are, and you realize you are the hero.  You are the radical. You are the revolutionary. You are the dream in its human form.  It was put in you, so you could draw it out.  You are strong enough, you are brave enough, and you are bold enough….because thats what it will take to make this dream reality, and its why he made you, you.  You dreamt with him, but he alone conditioned you as the hero strong enough to live it out. The hero needed to make this dream reality.

You dreamt with him, He called alive a hero.

You let your heart loose, and He glorified what you imagined.

I am a dreamer, falling in love with Jesus …in our love we dreamed of a world, and then he called me alive and made me the hero needed to create it, told me he will never leave, but gave me authority to begin to walk…to begin to create what we dreamed……TOGETHER.

It’s who I am, and it’s who he is.

…it’s beautiful, and it will be reality.

I am a dreamer lost in love. 

Walking by name.

Something happens when you finally start to remember your name? When you start to realize who he calls you? and who he sees you as?

It’s like you discover a depth you just can’t fill, it’s crazy because as much as I want to fill it. I don’t. Because this moment. This time, is so perfectly beautiful.  It’s a pretty crazy thing to watch as God builds back in you…you.  All so he could just be with you. Because when you didn’t see you, you missed out on a big part of him.  And then he reveals colors all over you, and you begin to start dreaming big, and seeing big, and then you realize. Without holding on to this, without living for this, you will never live life fully.

It’s you and him. And its crazy beautiful.

Its this moment that as much as I am excited for what’s to come, I want to channel this and stuff it in a bottle and cork it, like priceless pixie dust.  It’s a revelation, and intimacy, a depth I never want to see leave, I only want to see it grow. I want to see it explode. Because while he has told me who I am, and what I am…I realize all I want is more.

He calls us by name and he creates in us a dimension I don’t want to be able to describe, but when you start to see it…..it’s crazy. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, because you come alive in a way you can’t describe, in ways where, when I fully let go, it’s gonna look a little out there.  It’s going to be radical, and it’s going to be so…me.

Because the truth is, so much of the restraint I allowed myself to live by, was never who I was.

I’ve started on a road that I don’t want to see stop, I don’t even really want to end up at a destination, because in ending somewhere, it’s like saying I’m full, Ive settled in, I’m content. I don’t want to be content. I want more. I want more of this. All of this.

This identity, this beauty, this radical way of life…the one he always painted for me, it took me loosing myself to find it.  But now that I have, it’s where I’m at, it’s who I am, and where I am going. It’s as simple as that, and yet way more beautiful then words could explain.

Walking by name is a whole huge adventure.  And I know that to live without it…..is to not live. I don’t want to live for just okay, for just enough. I don’t want to be content with okay….I don’t want okay. I wasn’t born for just okay, and neither were you. It was never written in our spirit to live for subpar, that was always our choice.  Well I say no.

I want all of this, and everything more, I don’t want to be satisfied, and I don’t want to be contained. I want everything in me to explode, to let out me and him… It’s a love song, that will come alive in my life.

One radical beautiful adventure….only beginning, and the end isn’t in sight. This is what he wants us to see, he wants us to know who he created so perfectly, and how much he always just wanted to be with us.

I love you.

I love battlefields, I love fighting, I love being the one to move, as terrifying as it can be, it taps a chord in me, that rings alive with boldness. So needless to say what I want to say here will be said from the battlefield, it will be said with victory and it will be spoken to your heart.

Warriors on the battlefield, fighting to bring in the kingdom…it is one amazing picture, with mystery after mystery.  Because the world that they are fighting for lives by a different standard, a code you can feel even though it doesn’t make sense to the logical mind.  They come ready to fight and  they are destined to win, they come ready to claim, for the ground has already been won by the blood of the lamb, and they come to not only take back the land but to call back the hearts.

It soon becomes a battle not to be fought heart to heart with artillery, and bullets but rather in comes the mystery. Its a battle for the heart, fought with love.  Love calls to the depths of the heart in ways logic can’t make sense of.

Logic misled holds to what only makes sense, not what the heart can feel, not what the heart knows is true.  But love, love will defy logic because it will love what makes no sense, it will love those who have hurt, it will love those who have built walls, its will love those who choose to be bitter, and holding unforgiveness, and it will love them recklessly.

Love is powerful.

Love takes every wall that logic makes, every blockade that hurt puts up and breaks it in, only for one reason. To reach the heart. Because love knows, the wall is not the heart behind it, the blockade is not the heart thats hiding.

These warriors filled with his mystery fight in ways that sometimes make no sense, they fight from a world that this land will one day see, but that reason won’t understand.

Behind every wall of unforgiveness is the heart. Behind every shelter of hate, is the heart. Behind every blockade of anger is the heart.  Often times I think it’s the heart that hurts and the mind* steps in and justifies, and starts to build walls, starts division, starts to separate hearts.  But the fact remains, I will separate the heart from the barrier that’s been built around it regardless how much it tries to act in unison while creating division amongst people. I will choose to believe the heart is not the hurt thats showing, the unforgiveness that’s being spoken, or the  bitterness that seems to be held. I will choose to separate the heart from the contamination of all of the above. I won’t claim that on the heart of another. And no warrior who claims to carry another’s burden should. The heart holds the deepest treasures of a person, I can’t claim unforgiveness as a treasure. But I will fight for the heart behind it.

Love speaks to the heart, love begins to heal, love touches the depths that the mind couldn’t even make sense of. Hurt’s worst enemy is love, hurt can’t stay where his healing love invades.

So here’s what I know, these warriors have made their choice, to love every heart behind every wall, blockade, and barrier that’s put up. To love every heart, despite where its decides to hide and what it chooses to hide behind. Because these warriors don’t claim victory in just the land they reclaim, their victory comes in the love the lamb that’s now theirs to share.  Their victory comes in the hearts that finally again realize what treasures they hold inside, and then release unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and resentment from claiming access to their identity an longer.

The ultimate victory is their knowledge of who they are, when all hurt has been released to heal.

The love these warriors hold, is his, and therefore holds a reckless fury, no wall can sustain. It will penetrate and consume every wall, it will break in, in ways the mind can’t understand but yet the heart is so desperate for.

Love is powerful, it breaks down the wall, invades to heal, and calls out the identity of the heart.  It is my passion to fight into hearts with this love. To fight recklessly. To never let the hurt or anger make me believe that’s what lies beneath. I have to believe each person once contained so much, that the creator builds everyone in perfection. Love calls alive what was once untouched, untarnished, what was once a pure, unscathed heart.

I love you. Every heart, behind every wall. I love you, I need you to know that. And I always will. And I will fight for you, when you forget to fight for yourself, and your own right to an abundant life in him….fully healed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you.